Here I am at day 58 of… I don’t know what. I am feeling like I’m hitting a diet rock bottom. I have not really binged in a few days, but I’m still eating lots of foods that I “shouldn’t.” I had an ice cream sundae on Friday. Bf and I went to TCBY and I filled up the smallest bowl they have with peanut butter, cookies and cream, and coffee yogurt, then topped it with random pieces of candy and cookies and PB cup and hot fudge and whip. It was delicious. Yesterday I had deep dish pizza at my favorite pizza place here in Chicago. I had two slices (in the past I’ve eaten half a pizza which is just RIDICULOUS), some salad, and some crackers.Today for breakfast my stepdad is going to serve us bagels with cream cheese and lox, another favorite of mine.
I’m just sick of my body. I went and got some clothes from a thrift store yesterday and just spent some time looking at my body in the mirror and I feel like I am covered in fat. I am sick of tracking calories. I am sick of not being okay with my body. I don’t know who I am anymore.
I think I am really ready for Intuitive Eating now. More than anything I want to be at my natural healthy weight and to accept what that is. I honestly don’t know whether my body is “supposed” to be at 130, 140, 150? All I know is that I want to get better. I don’t want to think about food constantly. I don’t want to think about my weight. It’s just a constant background noise and it’s a distraction preventing me from truly enjoying life.
I will start by keeping track of WHAT I eat but not amounts or calories. I will also rate my hunger before and after.
This morning I woke up around 6:30 in my hotel room (visiting my parents) and did not feel hungry. I started getting ready – brushed my teeth, put on some makeup, got dressed. I did start feeling hungry and decided to go get something from the buffet, even though I am having breakfast with my parents at 10. But there is no way I’d be able to wait that long without eating.
Before I ate my hunger was probably between a 3 and 4. I started with a cup of melon and cantaloupe. It wasn’t very good and tasted like it had all been soaked in a vitamin C solution (which it probably had). I went back and had a small scoop of scrambled egg. It tasted like it had been cooked in quite a bit of butter – therefore, it was delicious. I still felt a little empty so I got myself a bowl of plain oatmeal and added a teaspoon of brown sugar, some cinnamon, and a few dried cranberries. I brought it back to my room and sat on the couch to eat it. I realized after a few spoonfuls that I was no longer feeling empty and was probably at a neutral 5-6. So I stopped. I left more than half of that bowl of oatmeal. Small victories.
I am now sitting at a Starbucks getting some work done and ordered my triple tall skim mocha, no whip. I am still feeling pretty neutral.
Update: I just finished having breakfast at my parents’ place. Before we ate I was probably at a 4. I took a small bagel and spread about 1.5 tbsp of cream cheese on each half. Then I added slices of tomato and smoked salmon. After eating the first half I was at a 5 and stopped. I sat at the table while everyone else kept eating with the bagel in front of me. After about 15 minutes I decided to eat the second half and now I am solidly at a 6. Comfortably satisfied but not feeling overly full. I have been drinking plain water and I’m glad I’m back to doing that. I will probably not eat again until late this afternoon and will likely snack on fruit and get a coffee for the drive home. I really hope to be back by 5 so Bf and I can have time to go grocery shopping.
Update: After I left my sisters place around 2:30 I was between 3-4 and ate a few strawberries and a medium banana. I started driving home and stopped at 3:30 or so and got a biscotti and mocha. Got home around 4:45… Ate a pear at about 5:15 and went grocery shopping with Bf. Was solidly hungry (a 3) by 6:45 and had half a bag of broccoli and cauliflower and a frozen meal. Took over 20 minutes to eat and am now at a 5-6. Feeling good.
Update: Had 1/2 cup of Cheerios before heading upstairs to bed. Overall had a good intuitive eating day!