Day 67

Wow, so I haven’t written in a few days. I have been doing pretty well with the intuitive eating, though there were a few times that I recognized that I was eating because I felt like it, not because I was hungry. The good thing is that I did not binge this past week, although there were a couple of times where I felt a bit out of control and outside of myself.

This morning I had a mocha and 1/2 cup of Cheerios around 6:15 and was hungry by around 7:30, so had plain oatmeal with sliced almonds. I was hungry again at 8:30 so I had a plum. It is now 9:30 and I’m probably at a 4.

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Day 62

Poor Bf is a little sick and I’m not feeling great either, so I’m going to work from home this afternoon and make him chicken soup. Had my mocha at 6:30 and was pretty hungry. Waited until I felt real hunger to eat breakfast, which was around 7:45. Had a plain bowl of oatmeal with sliced almonds. I was full after that (like a 7), probably because I drank almost a whole bottle of water along with it. It is now 9:15 and I’m having a Greek yogurt and a plum since I got down to a 3-4. The Light and Fit blended Greek yogurts are super tasty and satisfying. I really recommend the chocolate raspberry, caramel macchiato, strawberry cheesecake, key lime pie, banana cream, and coconut vanilla. Delish!

10:15 am Had 2 tbsp of roasted unsalted peanuts. I was at a 5 but feeling snacky. I need to work on ignoring that urge! I made sure to drink a lot of water with them so now I’m back at a 6.

5:15 pm I ended up having another 2 tbsp of peanuts before I left work to pick up Bf. I didn’t end up eating lunch until 1 pm and had plain Greek yogurt with strawberries and 1/2 cup of Cheerios. We then took a nap (he’s still sleeping) but I woke up around 4:00. Was probably at a 4 and made a mocha. After that I was still at a 4 but decided to have a fiber bar. Now I am at a 6 and feeling fine. We will probably have chicken soup for dinner. I shredded up the chicken that I used to make the broth and will include that plus we got whole wheat egg noodles, too. Even when we’re sick we choose the whole grain option 🙂

Day 61

Mannn I am sore from yesterday’s run, but I am SO proud that I did it! Last night I ended up having a piece of dark chocolate and 1/2 cup of Cheerios before bed. I wasn’t hungry, but that’s okay. This is a process. This morning I was definitely hungry and had my mocha around 7:15. I had breakfast around 8:30 – a light Greek yogurt and a bowl of plain oatmeal with some sliced raw almonds. I was at a 6 after that. Then around 10:15 I was ready for a snack and had a container of blackberries and 2 oz of turkey breast. That got me to a neutral 5, but around 11:00 was down to a 3-4 so I made lunch. I had a plum (which was super delicious – juicy and sweet!) and made a scramble of 1 cup liquid Egg Beaters, half bag of steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and 1 tbsp of shredded reduced fat cheddar. Yummy! Was at a 6-7 afterwards. I will be out all afternoon teaching a program on heart health so will bring some almonds and a granola bar to tide me over until dinner. I think I’m going to make a stop at Starbucks on my way out of town to the program but will order my mocha extra hot so I can drink it once my tummy empties out a bit.

9:30 pm So I went to the Starbucks drive through and they gave me a vanilla latte instead of my drink. I tried to drink it but decided less than halfway through that it was too sweet and stopped. Around 4:15 when I was leaving to drive back to town I was definitely at a 3. Had my almonds and granola bar. I got home around 5:15 and really wanted coffee so I made myself a mocha and had a cup of Cheerios. Bf and I went to get haircuts after that and I didn’t get hungry for dinner til after 7. I had a frozen meal and then a big bowl of strawberries. I probably could have stopped halfway through the strawberries (would have been a 6) but finished at a 7. Not the worst thing and it least it was just strawberries.

Day 60

So proud about finishing another successful intuitive eating day yesterday! I’m going to be getting back on the exercise wagon tonight (it’s been a week, oops). We have a 100 minute workout scheduled… Ugh! I don’t know what I’m going to do… Maybe do half of the run and then elliptical? My shins are still not 100%.

Anyway. Had my mocha around 7:30. By 8:30 I wasn’t really hungry (prob was at a 4-5) but we had to leave for work so I had a light Greek yogurt and packet of oatmeal, finishing at a 5-6.

12:30 pm Had a snack of 2 tbsp of roasted unsalted peanuts and a container of blackberries at 11 when I finally reached a 3-4. Was at a 6 afterwards. I am eating lunch now (plain Greek yogurt with strawberries and Cheerios), started eating when I was at a 3-4ish. I probably could have gone a little longer but oh well.

2:45 pm After I finished lunch I think I was at a 6. Comfortable and satisfied. I have not felt real hunger since then, but I did have a couple of raisins and 2 thin slices of turkey. At least I kept it at that. I am around a 4 now, edging downwards. Will have my mocha and see how that helps.

3:30 pm Got down to a 3 and had carrots, some cheddar cheese, a few more slices of turkey, and a fiber granola bar. Now at a 5-6. Hopefully I will be able to digest some before I go workout at 5!

8:00 pm I ended up having a pear at 4:45, was back down to a 3-4! After the gym I was at a 3 and had 1/3 bag of green beans mixed with a frozen meal and a caramel apple pop. Now at a 6.
I did the whole 100 minute workout and my quads hurt but my shins are actually okay. Yay!

Day 59

So apparently The Ellen Show is going to be on campus today. You’d better believe I’m going to get over there! I don’t think Ellen herself will be there but a representative. They say there’s going to be a big surprise so who knows? We will see!

This morning I got up and had my mocha, waited until I was at a 3 or 4 (my stomach rumbled so I decided it was time to eat) and made myself some scrambled Egg Beaters and a packet of oatmeal. I noticed that after I had the eggs I was at a 5-6 and waited a few minutes before eating the oatmeal. After I ate that I was definitely at a 6-7.

I’ve been trying hard to drink more water and have been sipping between bites. That’s also helped slow down my eating and I’m also paying more attention to the flavor and texture of the food. I am at work now… have a busy day and probably won’t get home til 9 tonight. I brought a pear with me for when I get hungry. Right now I would say I’m at a neutral 5 but edging towards a 4.

10:30 am: I admit, I ate my pear when I was a 4 and stressing out about work. I’m trying to take deep breaths now to get my thoughts together. I am back at a 5 and am about to head to the store to get groceries for this week’s programs.

12:45 pm: Before I left for the store I went and measured out 1/4 cup of unsalted roasted peanuts (around 11:15 am). I was at a 3-4 and ate them on the way, sipping water the whole time. I’m at a neutral 5 and have not had lunch yet.

1:30 pm: I went ahead and made lunch even though I was at a 4. Half a bag of broccoli and cauliflower mixed with a frozen meal. After eating was at a 6.

2:45 pm: Was neutral in terms of hunger but super tired, so I made myself a mocha. Afterward between 5-6.

6:15 pm So I had a few nibbles at the snacking program I did this afternoon but not much. I ate plain full fat Greek yogurt (yummyyyyy) with strawberries and Cheerios for dinner at 6:00 even though I was at a 4-5. I’m teaching 6:30-8:30 so I figured it would be better to eat when I’m not so hungry now instead of getting ravenous later.

8:30 pm finished teaching and had a cracker with jam. Got home around 9:00 and had carrots and 1 oz cheddar around 9:30. Off to bed now!

Day 58 – Rock Bottom?

Here I am at day 58 of… I don’t know what. I am feeling like I’m hitting a diet rock bottom. I have not really binged in a few days, but I’m still eating lots of foods that I “shouldn’t.” I had an ice cream sundae on Friday. Bf and I went to TCBY and I filled up the smallest bowl they have with peanut butter, cookies and cream, and coffee yogurt, then topped it with random pieces of candy and cookies and PB cup and hot fudge and whip. It was delicious. Yesterday I had deep dish pizza at my favorite pizza place here in Chicago. I had two slices (in the past I’ve eaten half a pizza which is just RIDICULOUS), some salad, and some crackers.Today for breakfast my stepdad is going to serve us bagels with cream cheese and lox, another favorite of mine.

I’m just sick of my body. I went and got some clothes from a thrift store yesterday and just spent some time looking at my body in the mirror and I feel like I am covered in fat. I am sick of tracking calories. I am sick of not being okay with my body. I don’t know who I am anymore.

I think I am really ready for Intuitive Eating now. More than anything I want to be at my natural healthy weight and to accept what that is. I honestly don’t know whether my body is “supposed” to be at 130, 140, 150? All I know is that I want to get better. I don’t want to think about food constantly. I don’t want to think about my weight. It’s just a constant background noise and it’s a distraction preventing me from truly enjoying life.

I will start by keeping track of WHAT I eat but not amounts or calories. I will also rate my hunger before and after.

This morning I woke up around 6:30 in my hotel room (visiting my parents) and did not feel hungry. I started getting ready – brushed my teeth, put on some makeup, got dressed. I did start feeling hungry and decided to go get something from the buffet, even though I am having breakfast with my parents at 10. But there is no way I’d be able to wait that long without eating.

Before I ate my hunger was probably between a 3 and 4. I started with a cup of melon and cantaloupe. It wasn’t very good and tasted like it had all been soaked in a vitamin C solution (which it probably had). I went back and had a small scoop of scrambled egg. It tasted like it had been cooked in quite a bit of butter – therefore, it was delicious. I still felt a little empty so I got myself a bowl of plain oatmeal and added a teaspoon of brown sugar, some cinnamon, and a few dried cranberries. I brought it back to my room and sat on the couch to eat it. I realized after a few spoonfuls that I was no longer feeling empty and was probably at a neutral 5-6. So I stopped. I left more than half of that bowl of oatmeal. Small victories.

I am now sitting at a Starbucks getting some work done and ordered my triple tall skim mocha, no whip. I am still feeling pretty neutral.

Update: I just finished having breakfast at my parents’ place. Before we ate I was probably at a 4. I took a small bagel and spread about 1.5 tbsp of cream cheese on each half. Then I added slices of tomato and smoked salmon. After eating the first half I was at a 5 and stopped. I sat at the table while everyone else kept eating with the bagel in front of me. After about 15 minutes I decided to eat the second half and now I am solidly at a 6. Comfortably satisfied but not feeling overly full. I have been drinking plain water and I’m glad I’m back to doing that. I will probably not eat again until late this afternoon and will likely snack on fruit and get a coffee for the drive home. I really hope to be back by 5 so Bf and I can have time to go grocery shopping.

Update: After I left my sisters place around 2:30 I was between 3-4 and ate a few strawberries and a medium banana. I started driving home and stopped at 3:30 or so and got a biscotti and mocha. Got home around 4:45… Ate a pear at about 5:15 and went grocery shopping with Bf. Was solidly hungry (a 3) by 6:45 and had half a bag of broccoli and cauliflower and a frozen meal. Took over 20 minutes to eat and am now at a 5-6. Feeling good.

Update: Had 1/2 cup of Cheerios before heading upstairs to bed. Overall had a good intuitive eating day!

Day 57

I hate that I am even writing this. But today I hate myself and feel fat and ugly and disgusting.

7:00 am mocha (80)

8:30 am strawberries (80)

9:00 am fiber bar (140)

10:15 am caramel macchiato (170), blackberries (80)